Weeks Away and Miles Further, 02/03/11.

It is almost haunting to be home again. I wonder often, if I had never lived here and was coming as a Kenyan, would I ever be able to call this my home?

The attitudes and the excess overwhelm me on a daily basis. I find myself falling back into old habits, now, and shudder when I realize they're creeping back into me. Despite the transitional ups and downs continually pulling me and my emotions, I am finding that I value this opportunity to reflect as much as I valued my time in Kenya. I have found myself stronger, and have been told by many people that my eyes have changed. I feel it too. Below is a journal entry from one of my more transformative nights, in a hotel bathroom in Tanzania.

"11/29/11:
I can't sleep at night because I know that this is the height of my existence thus far. I've come out of a weird boundary that has always protected my spirit from the world. I have always observed, and now I begin to participate. I have seen what works and what is ugly in people. I have finally been able to recognize isolation in the most confident of people. I have found the ability to interact on a new plane--one which emphasizes the intuitive and the naturally important, relieving the self of stress, depression, self-hatred, hatred toward others, complacency and boundary.
Today has been monumental. A day with no sleep last night. A day with six hours on a bus crossing the beautiful rural Tanzania. A day in which I watched a man be beaten by his fellow men, dragged across concrete--his hands clutching parked cars as he was continued to be ripped away and dragged across the pavement. A day in which my privilege has never been more evident to me.
It's desperation. That is all. Who am I if not just a witness to all of this? Where is my place when I am sitting at the table, crying, watching this man suffer, and somehow still holding onto an appetite. I hate the reality that I met today. for although it is mine, I barely own it. I know that I will leave it in a matter of days. I will go home to false relationships, Christmastime, well-meant offerings with little behind them. I will meet a family whom I have ever taken for granted but value more than every other thing.
What is the role of a globalized human connection? What is my relationship to this beautiful person I have met across the world? In many ways, it all feels like a social experiment, but I'm not sure where it's aim lies. Do I take home "an African experience" or do I carry a responsibility and a new objective? I'd like to think I'll put on a small layer of tourist to suit those around me, but this has to be something real.
We are born in this time and place of great need and equal privilege for a reason. We have both the opportunity to individualize and to recognize the need for a broader definition of community within humanity."